‘Phubbing’ May Be Silently Ruining Your Relationship — Here’s 3 Simple Tips to Stop the Destruction
- Philip Lewis, MA, LMFT, CGP, PLGS
- Aug 3
- 11 min read
Phubbing in couples is the act of ignoring the partner in front of you by looking at your smartphone, which makes them feel snubbed. Over time, phubbing — shorthand for phone + snubbing — can quietly drain your relationship of the critical intimacy and connection a couple needs to survive and thrive long term.
What you wanted was a partner who loves, listens, and wants to be with you. Your partner originally said they wanted the same. But recently it seems they’re more attached to their smartphone than you.
Each time you start talking, it’s not long until your partner’s eyes dart downward to view another text, email, tweet, or IG notification.
When you ask for their attention, the response is an abrupt “I’m listening.” They might even be able to repeat back some of what you just said. But their eyes still never look up from the glowing screen grasped tightly in their palm.
In this article, I break down exactly why phone snubbing is so neurobiologically irresistible, what the psychological research shows about how phubbing can silently destroy your relationship, and provide three concrete tips you can start using right away to stop the destruction.
What Is Phubbing?
The word “phubbing” is shorthand for phone snubbing — the Cambridge Dictionary defines it as “the act of ignoring someone you are with and giving attention to your cell phone instead.” It describes the modern habit of ignoring the partner right in front of you by looking at your mobile phone, when doing so makes the other person feel snubbed.
The Australian advertising agency McCann Melbourne coined the word in 2012 as part of a parody marketing campaign. Today, the term is used not only in pop culture, but also in formal psychological research.
Since smartphones have become ubiquitous, many people don’t even know when they’re being phubbed.
Signs You’re Being Phubbed
Not sure if you’re being phubbed? Here are a few signs to watch for:
When you start talking, your partner’s eyes stay fixed on their smartphone instead of looking at you.
They say “I’m listening” — and can even repeat back some of your words. But they never stop to look up, and later can remember little of the message you were trying to deliver.
You feel completely disconnected from your partner, even when they’re sitting right in front of you.
At some point you stop trying to talk with your partner, and maybe retreat to focusing on your own smartphone.
If phubbing is so damaging, why do so many people keep doing it?
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Why Phone Snubbing Is So Irresistible
1. Scrolling Social Media Feels Really, Really Good
One of your brain’s primary functions is to keep you safe.
It does this, in part, through what Dr. Jud Brewer calls “reward-based learning.” Whenever we do something the brain perceives as beneficial to our survival, it releases dopamine — the primary neurotransmitter in the brain’s reward network — which makes us feel good, so we’ll remember what we just did and be motivated to do it again in the future (Lembke, 2021; Brewer, 2025, pp. 2–3).
Historically, this process helped humans survive, in part, by motivating us to connect with each other. Sticking together in large groups protected us in a dangerous world where food was scarce and predators were everywhere.
Although we no longer need large groups to stay physically safe, connecting with others still triggers that same dose of fee-good dopamine. That’s because the brain’s primitive reward system hasn’t updated for modern life — it can’t accurately tell the difference between a genuine need for survival (eating food we need to stay alive) and something that just feels good to do (eating chocolate cake when we’re sad).
So what does all this ancient history have to do with your partner’s phubbing?
Tech companies exploit this brain glitch to keep you hooked on their product. They do so by making scrolling through pictures on a smartphone feel like you’re making real human connection. But that’s not the worst of it. The social media algorithms are intentionally designed to make that feeling monumentally more pleasurable than the real thing.
Consequently, using a smartphone can often feel a whole lot better than listening to your partner talk.
2. Smartphones Are Addictive
Unsurprisingly, smartphone use can be addictive, as the dopamine flood triggers when scrolling can feel as pleasurable as heroin, meth, or alcohol (Lembke, 2021).
Neuroscience shows even the anticipation of the pleasure generated by smartphones and social media feels great (Brewer, 2025).
And by leaving your text, email, news, and social-media alerts on, you train yourself to reflexively shift your attention from the partner in front of you to a smartphone with every beep, ding, chirp, or buzz—like one of Pavlov’s dogs salivating at a bell before the food even arrives.
The pull of smartphones is so intense it can even override our basic survival instincts. In his book The Craving Mind, Dr. Jud Brewer notes data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) showed a 12 percent spike in nonfatal injuries to children under five years old between 2007 and 2010 — the exact years the smartphone market grew sixfold (Brewer, 2025).
Similarly, pedestrian injuries due to phone distraction more than tripled between 2007 and 2010, and by the first half of 2015 alone, phone-related pedestrian deaths had spiked 10 percent — the sharpest jump in four decades (Nasar & Troyer, 2013; Horn, 2016).
3. Phubbing Is a Convenient Way to Avoid Conflict — For Now
Nobody likes conflict — especially when your partner is the one who’s angry. In those tense moments, your smartphone can be an easy way to escape and feel better fast.
Here’s a simple explanation:
When your partner is frustrated, sad, or angry, looking at them can make you start feeling the same, even if you weren’t upset yourself. That’s the product of mirror neurons in your brain (Siegel, 2012).
Using your smartphone as a handy excuse to look away from your partner minimizes the amount and intensity of distress you’re absorbing from them, while at the same time giving you a big hit of feel-good dopamine. It’s not unlike turning a nightmare into a lurid sex dream simply by looking 45 degrees downward.
While it’s a highly effective way to dodge intense emotions in the short term, snubbing your partner can cause serious long-term damage to the relationship.
How Phubbing Ruins Relationships
Recent psychological research reveals that phone snubbing is not just bad manners, it also causes direct, measurable damage to relationships.
I observed a powerful real-life example of the perils of phubbing during my recent excursion to the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles, California. In the box next to mine sat two couples. Both women were focused on the LA Philharmonic’s annual “Tchaikovsky Spectacular with fireworks.” The men, however, were absorbed in their smartphones, doing nothing that seemed at all pressing.
This is problematic for many reasons. The men were missing an aptly termed “spectacular” live performance by a world-famous orchestra at a historic Hollywood amphitheater. Neither man will walk away with a memory he can later share with his partner. More importantly, each not-so-subtly signaled that mundane scrolling through a smartphone was more important to them than the couple’s special night out together.
Here are some other reasons why phubbing is so interpersonally harmful:
Relationship Satisfaction Plummets. Nobody likes being ignored. Frequent conversation interruptions seriously damage the quality of a couple’s communication. This chronic disconnection gradually drains the joy out of the partnership. Research confirms that people who are phone snubbed end up feeling emotionally lonely and report dramatically lower satisfaction with their mates (Aslanturk & Arslan, 2025). Additionally, frequent social media use in a relationship often fuels personal unhappiness and depression, which further degrades the couple’s shared happiness (Özmen, 2026).
It Drives Couples Apart. Phone snubbing makes it harder for partners to work as a team toward common goals. It also makes it harder for them to feel like they can rely on each other when things get tough. Also, studies show that when one partner consistently prioritizes their smartphone over interpersonal interactions with their mate, the other is more likely to turn to their own screen for relief, which simply pushes the couple further apart (Spanier, 1976; Özmen, 2026).
Many habitual phubbers claim they’re able to pay equal attention to both their partner and their smartphone at the same time, and criticize people who doubt them as being too sensitive. But the research about multitasking soundly dispels that myth. Phubbers are actually rapidly switching their attention back and forth between their smartphone and partner, and thus end up engaging with neither task at all well. Constantly reading texts, emails, and social media updates consumes so much conscious brain power that little is left for engaging with the person right in front of you. As one scholar notes: “the brain of a Harvard graduate can be turned into that of an eight-year-old simply by being made to do two things at once.” (Rock, 2020, p. 32).
Moreover, Gloria Mark, PhD, author of Attention Span, has spent decades studying attention, distraction, and multitasking. Dr. Mark found that such rapid attention-switching is not just inefficient, but also builds unnecessary stress (Mark, 2023) — the same chronic stress the World Health Organization has called a defining health problem of this century (Fink, 2025).
Couples End Up Less Committed. A 2025 study of 320 couples essentially found that when one partner consistently chooses screen time over couple time, the other ends up far less committed to stick around long-term (Aslanturk & Arslan, 2025). Unsurprisingly, heavy social media use in relationships significantly increases the chance of extramarital affairs (Özmen, 2026).
How to Stop Phubbing Your Partner: 3 Simple Tips
1. Stop doing it. This may sound overly simplistic. But many people honestly don’t realize how their technology use negatively impacts others. A great way to find out in your relationship is to ask your partner how they feel about your smartphone. If directly asking is too daunting, at least imagine yourself in your partner’s place and ask, “would I feel snubbed in this moment?” If the answer is yes, stop immediately. When in doubt, keep the smartphone in your pocket whenever your partner is interacting with you. Better yet, leave it in another room when you’re together. If you’re eating out or at a movie, leave it in the car. This is about stopping phubbing from ruining your relationship.
2. Set smartphone rules together. Talk in advance about times, places, or circumstances when using smartphones is okay, and when you prefer being technology-free. For some couples, reaching consensus on rules for smartphone use is not always that simple, particularly when one or both partners needs their phones for work. Frank discussions about each partner’s expectations and how the couple wants to handle differences over technology limits can help insulate your relationship from future problems.
3. Pay special attention to connection. How you handle even the smallest daily interactions is crucial to the long-term stability of your relationship. Author and relationship researcher John Gottman’s research shows that the more frequently couples turned “towards” each other, the greater the chance the couple would stay together in the future. In a six-year study of newlyweds, couples who stayed married had turned toward their partner’s bids for connection an average of 86 percent of the time, compared to just 33 percent for those who ended up getting divorced (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Gottman also found that simply understanding the importance of everyday interactions with your partner can make an enormous difference in the quality and connection of a couple’s relationship.
How to Respond When Your Partner Won’t Put Down the Phone
First, consider whether your partner’s smartphone use is actually bothering you at the moment. If not, move on and leave your partner alone. Remember, it’s phubbing only if you actually feel snubbed.
If you do feel snubbed, try raising your concerns using what author and relationship expert Terry Real calls a “winning strategy” for increasing relationship closeness: “speaking to make things better.” This means, when you do speak to your partner, be respectful and open to exploring how to connect with your partner in a way that’s mutually acceptable, not one that criticizes or shames them (a “losing strategy” according to Real). Here are some lines that might start a productive conversation:
• “Are you available to talk now, or is there a better time?” It gets the point across while respecting that your partner may actually be engaged in something they’d rather not interrupt at the moment.
• “Would you be willing to take a 30-minute phone break? I’d really like to connect with you when we can give each other our full attention.” You’re not asking for a permanent disconnect — you’re inviting your partner into a shared intimate moment.
• “I miss you when you’re on your phone.” This one’s risky. Maybe it’s better to start by saying, “Are you open to hearing a concern I have about our interactions?” Most people don’t realize how much time they’re spending on their phone, or how it impacts the person next to them. Getting their buy-in before diving in may make them more likely to respond positively.
If phubbing has become a damaging pattern in your relationship, you don’t have to untangle it alone — schedule a free call, and let’s find your way back to each other.
Frequently Asked Questions About Phubbing
What is phubbing?
Phubbing is the act of ignoring the partner in front of you by looking at your smartphone instead, leaving them feeling snubbed. The word blends “phone” and “snubbing.”
Is phubbing a real psychological term?
Yes. An Australian ad agency coined it in 2012 as a marketing stunt, but the term is now used in peer-reviewed research studying its effects on relationship satisfaction, commitment, and emotional loneliness.
Why is phubbing so hard to stop?
Your brain releases dopamine to reward behaviors that once helped you survive, like connecting with others — and tech companies have learned to exploit that same reward system. Social media apps trigger dopamine in quantities far beyond what real connection provides, while push notifications train you to crave your phone the way Pavlov’s dogs learned to crave the bell. As a result, and sadly, smartphone use can frequently feel much more pleasurable than talking with your partner.
Why is phone snubbing so damaging to relationships?
Research links phubbing to lower relationship satisfaction, weaker teamwork as a couple, and reduced commitment — largely because it triggers emotional loneliness in the partner being ignored. Over time, that loneliness erodes trust and makes couples less likely to stay together.
How do I stop phubbing my partner?
Start by noticing your own phone use through your partner’s eyes, agree on technology-free times or places together, and promptly set aside your phone when your partner makes bids for connection, no matter how small.
What should I say if my partner keeps phubbing me?
Try low-pressure, non-blaming lines like “Are you available to talk now, or is there a better time?”
References
Aslanturk, A., & Arslan, C. (2025). How does being phubbed affect commitment? Exploring the roles of emotional loneliness and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 51(3), Article e70027. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.70027
Brewer, J. (2025). The craving mind: From cigarettes to smartphones to love — why we get hooked and how we can break bad habits. Yale University Press.
Fink, G. (2025). Stress: The health epidemic of the 21st century. Elsevier SciTech Connect. http://scitechconnect.elsevier.com/stress-health-epidemic-21st-century/
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
Horn, M. (2016, March 8). Walking while texting can be deadly, study shows. USA Today. https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2016/03/08/pedestrian-fatalities-surge-to-percent/81483294
Lembke, A. (2021, October 14). The smartphone has become the modern-day hypodermic needle. The Journal. https://www.thejournal.ie/readme/dr-anne-lembke-on-smartphone-social-media-addiction-5569503-Oct2021/
Mark, G. (2023). Attention span: A groundbreaking way to restore balance, happiness, and productivity. Hanover Square Press.
Nasar, J. L., & Troyer, D. (2013). Pedestrian injuries due to mobile phone use in public places. Accident Analysis and Prevention, 57, 91–95.
Özmen, M. (2026). Marriages in the grip of phubbed: Dyadic analysis of FoMO and dyadic adjustment. The American Journal of Family Therapy. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2026.2642722
Rock, D. (2020). Your brain at work. HarperBusiness.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. W. W. Norton & Company.
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