“Should I Break Up Before or After the Holidays?” — A Marriage Therapist Chimes in on the Annual Relationship Question
- Philip Lewis, MA, LMFT, CGP, PLGS
- Dec 1
- 5 min read
Updated: Dec 3
5 Key Questions You Must Ask Before Calling it Quits
Holidays can bring out both the best and the worst in romantic relationships.
The weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve can be especially challenging for couples. Shopping pressures, toxic family dynamics, and increased spending stress can exaggerate already-heated tensions between partners — like a neon sign pointing directly at the most vulnerable fault lines in the couple’s relational foundation.
When the emotional pressure finally becomes too much, many begin contemplating the difficult — but very common — question:
“Should we break up before or after the holidays?”
While it’s hard to pinpoint exactly how many couples actually split, by most accounts breakups spike noticeably during the holidays. It’s a painful reality I see frequently as a couples therapist in Los Angeles and Beverly Hills.
If you are facing this unnerving couple’s conundrum, it’s essential to first slow down and do what you can to gain clarity about your situation.
Below are five questions, drawn from my work in couples counseling, I urge you to consider to help you avoid making an uninformed, snap decision you later regret.
1. Am I Asking the Right Question?
Most people leap immediately to: “Should I break up before or after the holidays?”
But the more important starting point is to ask, “Why am I considering ending this relationship in the first instance?”
Holiday stress can distort your perception of the relationship’s true stability. When you’re already feeling lonely, disappointed, or emotionally depleted, a breakup can start to look like the quickest path to relief.
Before asking when to break up, make sure you understand why.
Decisions made purely for short-term relief rarely serve you well in the long run — much like the regrettable food items you end up bringing home after grocery shopping while you were hungry.
If you don’t understand the why behind your urge to break up, you risk making a temporary-stress-driven choice that creates far more pain down the road.
2. Do I Have Enough Information to Make a Decision?
You cannot make a grounded decision if essential pieces of the puzzle are missing.
One of the most common mistakes I see in my couple’s therapy practice is when clients make major relationship decisions based on misinterpretations pieced together from incomplete information and assumptions.
It’s easy to overreact to an emotional narrative about your partner that was created in your mind without any fact checking.
Clarity requires more than guesswork.
Before walking away for good, ask yourself some difficult — but necessary — questions that might fill in important missing pieces:
Does my partner share similar concerns?
Where do we fundamentally differ?
Is there a genuine conflict here?
Am I just emotionally overwhelmed?
Do I truly understand my partner’s values and feelings?
Do I have the full picture?
Am I filling in the gaps with unsubstantiated assumptions?
A helpful way to assess whether you have enough information is to imagine asking yourself five years from now, “Do I remember the specific, concrete reasons I had for ending this relationship — and feel reasonably confident I made the right decision?”
If the answer is no, you likely need to do more data gathering before you can decide whether you should break up — much less when that breakup should happen.
3. Have I Asked the Right Person?
You cannot effectively address complex relationship problems simply by overthinking in your own head or venting to friends.
Clarity is best mined from a direct, honest, collaborative conversation with your partner — the only person with firsthand knowledge of what it’s been like to be in this relationship … with you … at this time.
Avoidance doesn’t resolve conflict—it amplifies it.
If you tend to avoid difficult conversations with your mate, there may be deeper relational issues at work that might benefit from couples counseling near you with an experienced marriage therapist.
4. Am I Using Relational Problem-Solving Skills?
It’s not just what you say — it’s how you say it. (Yes, that familiar cliché is absolutely true.)
In my work as a marriage therapist and couples counselor, I often see well-meaning partners undermine their own problem-solving efforts because they become emotionally flooded and end up hurling hurtful accusations or demands at their partner.
When conflict arises (and it always does in healthy relationships), the goal is to approach problem-solving in a way that encourages connection, not defensiveness.
Try relational language like:
“Do you have time to talk about something important?” instead of “We need to talk.”
“We only meet once a week.” instead of “You never spend time with me.”
“Would you be willing to meet up more often?” instead of “You don't love me enough”
Then listen — really listen.
How your partner responds (or reacts) can reveal valuable clues about where your relationship truly stands.
5. Is This Relationship Actually Worth It?
If you’re still unsure even after working through the previous four questions, it may be time to consider what bestselling author and couples therapist Terry Real calls Relational Reckoning:
“Am I getting enough from this relationship to make what I’m not getting bearable?”
Rupture and repair — the negotiation, compromise, and reconnection that follow moments of tension or disagreement — are not necessarily signs of a relationship on the rocks. More often, they’re markers of a partnership that is approaching conflict resolution in a realistic, emotionally mature, and relational way.
I’m always a bit skeptical when I hear couples say, “Oh, we never fight!” Conflict is inevitable whenever two complex human beings are trying to build a life together.
Instead, the goal is to develop what Terry Real calls Full Respect Living — a relational mindset in which each partner:
Acknowledges their own flaws and what they contribute to recurring patterns of conflict;
Takes responsibility for their own strong emotions and reactivity;
Remains mindful of how their behavior impacts the partner; and
Commits to repairing ruptures as a team so the connection deepens rather than fades.
When both partners strive for this mindset, conflicts can become opportunities to build intimacy, rather than a threat to it.
Seeking Help From Couples Therapy in Los Angeles
Thoughts about breaking up can simply be signs that your relationship needs attention — not that it’s doomed.
If you’re stuck in the painful “I can’t stay and I can’t leave” loop, an experienced couples therapist near you can help you sort out what’s truly happening beneath the surface and determine the healthiest next step — whether that ultimately means recommitting, restructuring, or parting ways with compassion.
As a marriage therapist and couples counselor in Los Angeles and Beverly Hills, I help guide couples through this often challenging process.
If you’re unsure what to do next ... reach out.
You don’t have to sit with this alone.
© Philip Douglas Lewis, LMFT #150760