Dating & Relationship Red Flags

A partner shifts responsibility for his own mistakes and misadventures onto you in order to absolve himself. Sometimes associated with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders.

In short, failure to respect healthy boundaries suggests a partner holds unhealthy views of themself, you and/or the relationship. According to author of "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F@ck", each person In a couple must be able to accept responsibility for their contribution to the functioning of the relationship, and be willing to tell their partner when a boundary has been crossed, and tolerate the inevitable feeling of rejection when their partner does the same.

Breadcrumbing is an emotional manipulation tactic used to lure you in and keep you interested in another person while they commit to nothing and follow through on little.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, Intimate Partner Violence (IPV), Dating Abuse, Relationship Abuse, and Domestic Violence (DV) are used interchangeably to refer to the same pattern of destructive conduct, in short "behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship." 

If you know or suspect you are in an abusive relationship, don't delay. There are multiple local, state, and national resources where you can get help right away. A great place to start is by contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline on the web at https://www.thehotline.org/, via online chat, by phone at 1-800-799.SAFE (7233), or by texting "START" to 88788.

Even if you're unsure whether someone's behavior is abusive, it's important to educate yourself and, if necessary, get help right away. The Hotline has great articles to help you Understand Relationship Abuse and identify the Warning Signs of Abuse.

While everybody lies once in a while, studies suggest that most of the deception is carried out by only a small percentage of the population, most of whom lie frequently and about very serious issues. So, it is safe to say that dishonesty beyond polite shading of the truth (e.g., "your haircut looks great") or white lies that benefit the other person (e.g., when planning a surprise party) should be scrutinized closely. Dishonesty is a red flag when a parter habitually lies (about large or small things), uses deception to control the other person or to get their own way, etc.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, Domestic Violence (DV), Intimate Partner Violence (IPV), Dating Abuse, and Relationship Abuse all refer to the same core pattern of destructive conduct, in short "behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship." 

If you know or suspect you are in an abusive relationship, don't delay. There are multiple local, state, and national resources where you can get help right away. A great place to start is by contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline on the web at https://www.thehotline.org/, via online chat, by phone at 1-800-799.SAFE (7233), or by texting "START" to 88788.

Even if you're unsure whether someone's behavior is abusive, it's important to educate yourself and, if necessary, get help right away. The Hotline has great articles to help you Understand Relationship Abuse and identify the Warning Signs of Abuse.

In emotional blackmail, a partner takes advantage of your emotional vulnerabilities to pressure you into doing something for them that you otherwise would not. One study calls it “a type of psychological violence” that “is often more harmful than physical and verbal violence.”

Sadly yes, according to the March 2023 article by Amanda Chatel, Flashpanning Is Yet Another Troubling Dating Trend Fueled By Commitment-Phobes. Chatel suggests a flashpanner is someone who jumps quickly from one relationship to the next purely for the excitement that comes with novelty. Initial interactions will be exciting and intense. But things will rapidly cool as soon as the person doing the flashpanning senses they might have to exert effort to maintain the relationship.

If you are the rare person who still asks "what does FWB mean in text messages" you get from your relatives, I got you! In short, friends with benefits means two people are friends and also have sex together. To compare and contrast FWB with situationships, take a look at “The Debate over Situationship vs Friends with Benefits: Which is Right for You?” by Genesis Gutierrez.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline website suggests gaslighting typically occurs when your partner repeatedly says confusing or inaccurate things about the relationship that can make you start doubting the accuracy of your own perception of reality, and eventually make you question your own sanity.

It’s rare to hear someone ask, “What does ghosting mean”. Unfortunately, this is because most people are familiar with the “ghosted” meaning in a dating context. For the rare person who hasn’t had the stressful and confusing experience, ghosting someone is when the person you’re enthusiastically dating suddenly stops all forms of contact and disappears from your life without any notice or explanation.

Guilt-tripping is a tool used to manipulate your emotions. Your partner says things to make you feel guilty, in order to get you to agree with them, give in to what they want, change your mind, or otherwise do something you normally wouldn’t.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, Intimate Partner Violence (IPV), Dating Abuse, Relationship Abuse, and Domestic Violence (DV) are used interchangeably to refer to the same pattern of destructive conduct, in short "behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship."

If you know or suspect you are in an abusive relationship, don't delay. There are multiple local, state, and national resources where you can get help right away. A great place to start is by contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline on the web at https://www.thehotline.org/, via online chat, by phone at 1-800-799.SAFE (7233), or by texting "START" to 88788.

Even if you're unsure whether someone's behavior is abusive, it's important to educate yourself and, if necessary, get help right away. The Hotline has great articles to help you Understand Relationship Abuse and identify the Warning Signs of Abuse.

Not always. Jealousy is common to all relationships. In fact, a little jealousy can be healthy in dating. Studies have found links between jealousy and increased feelings of love for or of being "in love" with a partner, as well as greater stability in a relationship. Red flags arise when jealousy becomes excessive and unhealthy, such as when your partner demands to know your location at all times, searches through your phone calls, text messages, and/or emails without your permission, repeatedly makes unfounded and/or irrational accusations, etc. Extreme jealousy can be a warning sign that your partner has significant difficulty managing their own emotions -- which in the extreme can lead to bullying, abuse, or violence.

Love bombing is when your partner overwhelms their target with excessive affection and attention early on to draw you into a relationship, then abruptly stopping the effusive attention once they know you’re hooked.

In short, manipulation is when someone else uses indirect, subtle, confusing, and/or deceptive methods to negatively influence your thoughts and feelings, override your better judgment, and trick you into giving in to what they want.

Today, there are way too many definitions for narcissism to fit here. A narcissist can refer to anything from when a person who has been formally diagnosed as having narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), to a non-clinical, angry name used to disparage someone’s despised “soulless” ex-boyfriend.

Saying something that seems like a compliment on the surface – but is not – in order to subtly undermine confidence and self-esteem, and make it seem like you need the partner’s pre-approval.

If you find yourself investing more time and effort into connecting than your partner does, this is a red flag that you may be in a one-sided, toxic relationship. To consider whether that’s true for you, check out this simple video:

Overthinking is a term commonly used in reference to negative rumination. It’s a habit someone can develop to cope with overwhelming emotions. Your brain repeatedly thinks about negative feelings and distress (i.e., anger, fear, frustration, uncertainty, sadness) and their possible causes or imagined catastrophic consequences. For futher information about the cycle, and possible steps to help you break free, see the American Psychiatric Association (APA) article “Rumination: A Cycle of Negative Thinking.” For a less nerdy explanation, try this Cleveland Clinic article: “How To Stop Overthinking: Tips and Coping Strategies.”

This is another term that is used in multiple ways. In short, someone acts passive-aggressive when they hide anger or negative feelings, expressing them only indirectly rather than through open, healthy, direct communication.

Playing on insecurities can show up in many ways. Simply put, it's when a date or partner focuses on your fears and weaknesses to manipulate and gain control over you.

Believe it or not, “porn addiction” is not an official psychological disorder listed in the APA’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Neither is “Sex Addiction,” a related concept.

Nonetheless, for many porn addiction is still very real. So much so, that many mental health professionals offer “porn addiction therapy.” Articles describe “porn addiction signs” and “porn withdrawal symptoms” to watch for, answer questions like “is porn addiction real” and “why is porn so addicting,” and offer advice about “How to help someone with a porn addiction.”

To simplify matters, I’ll stick with the simple definition psychiatrist and addiction expert Dr. Jud Brewer uses for addictive behavior in general: “continued use despite adverse consequences.” Bottom line, you can suspect something like porn addiction is afoot when a person keeps watching porn, even though the many hours it uses up each day causes persistent or repeated problems for them at home, at work, and/or in their social life.

In the context of dating and relationships, projection is when your partner falsely accuses you of having shortcomings or negative behaviors they actually display. Projection is not always intentional, or necessarily manipulative. It can be an unconscious coping mechanism where someone else blames you for negative aspects of their own personality that they are mentally not yet ready to accept.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, Intimate Partner Violence (IPV), Dating Abuse, Relationship Abuse, and Domestic Violence (DV) are used interchangeably to refer to the same pattern of destructive conduct, in short "behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship." 

If you know or suspect you are in an abusive relationship, don't delay. There are multiple local, state, and national resources where you can get help right away. A great place to start is by contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline on the web at https://www.thehotline.org/, via online chat, by phone at 1-800-799.SAFE (7233), or by texting "START" to 88788.

Even if you're unsure whether someone's behavior is abusive, it's important to educate yourself and, if necessary, get help right away. The Hotline has great articles to help you Understand Relationship Abuse and identify the Warning Signs of Abuse.