How to Rescue Your Relationship by Being “Wrong” | Couples Therapy Los Angeles

Does it feel like you and your partner keep getting dragged into the same fight?

Do your arguments often spiral into a heated debate over the facts—who said what, when, and how—without ever reaching the real issue that sparked the conflict in the first place?

You’re not alone.

Many struggling couples ask me how they can prove once and for all who’s right (usually the person calling) and who’s wrong (usually their partner).

My answer is always the same: you shouldn’t even try.

As a therapist providing couples therapy in Los Angeles, I explain that the real key to resolving conflicts isn’t winning an argument—it’s learning how to communicate more relationally overall.

So why do so many couples think the best way to resolve conflict is to unmask the real “wrongdoer,” extract a confession, and demand a promise that it will never happen again?

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How Fighting Over “Who’s Right” Hijacks Relationships

Let’s be honest: it feels great to be right. When we’re angry or hurt, the urge to defend our point can be powerful.

But here’s the problem – when both partners are fighting to be right, neither wins.

Declaring a “winner” in a disagreement is inherently anti-relational. For one partner to win, the other must lose—and that outcome never resolves the deeper issue. It only drives the couple further apart.

At first glance, it’s easy to see why so many couples believe conflicts can be resolved simply by discovering some objective truth.

After all, in everyday life, many problems are solved by establishing the facts. In some situations—like diagnosing a serious medical condition or troubleshooting a car’s brake failure—finding the objectively correct answer can be critical.

But in intimate relationships, duking it out over who owns the most accurate version of “what happened” rarely, if ever, leads anywhere helpful.

As bestselling author, creator of Relational Life Therapy, and couples ‘whisperer’ Terry Real often notes, if your goal is to build deeper connection with your partner, nobody wins with a battle over objective reality.

In these arguments, each partner emphatically insists that their account is the correct one. Frustration builds as each person’s story feels completely unreasonable to the other. What began as a dispute about a specific disagreement quickly devolves into a futile debate essentially over who owns reality.

So why does trying to prove who’s right usually just make things worse?

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How Couples Each Remember the Same Experience So Differently

If you’ve ever thought, “It’s impossible to get my partner to agree about anything that happened,” you’re not far off.

Counterintuitive as it may sound, there is no single, objective reality in relationships. Here’s why:

Unique Personal Filters Shape Our Realities

In any relationship, reality is never absolute—it’s subjective. Each partner experiences their own version of events, and no single, objective set of facts exists as the definitive truth (Real 2022).

Each of us views the world through a set of lenses forged over time by our unique life experiences—our upbringing, culture, past experiences.

Over time, these experiences form our subjective “working models” of how we believe the world–and our relationships–function. In simpler terms, working models are the internal filters through which we perceive and interpret what we see, hear, and feel (Suppes 2022, Wallin 2007).

Every relationship therefore exists within two overlapping realities, each shaped by the partners’ respective working models. Yet when those subjective realities collide, it doesn’t mean one partner is wrong—it means both are right within the framework of their own lived experiences.

This explains why the same comment, gesture, or tone can carry entirely different meanings for each partner. What feels like a reasonable reaction to one person might seem completely irrational to the other.

Unsurprisingly, when either partner assumes that only their version of events can be true, the likelihood of resolving conflict drops dramatically (Real 2022, Suppes 2022).

Memory Can’t Always Be Trusted

To make matters worse, our memories—especially those formed during emotionally charged moments—are far less reliable than we think.

For instance, research by cognitive scientists Ciara Greene and Gillian Murphy (2025) shows that humans make surprisingly poor eyewitnesses, particularly under stress. Their findings reveal three noteworthy reasons why:

1.     Selective attention: The brain processes only a fraction of the overwhelming sensory information we encounter each day. As a result, we notice far less than we assume we do.

2.     Filling in gaps: The brain hates incompleteness. When it can’t recall certain details about an event, it fabricates them—using what it assumes probably happened based on context and personal past experience.

3.     Source confusion: Memories from similar experiences can blur together, causing us to mix up details about what we saw, or even attribute them to the wrong event.

These cognitive quirks don’t just distort our memories of external events—they also influence how couples recall their own interactions, often leaving each partner with a version of the story that feels entirely true, yet differs in subtle but significant ways.

Yet we rarely stop to question whether our memories are accurate—why would we? The brain doesn’t warn us when it’s storing a memory that is more estimate than an exact record. Memory formation is largely unconscious, and self-reflection is hardest in the heat of conflict.

It’s no wonder partners can have wildly different recollections of the same experience.

When you consider how subjective perception and imperfect memory intertwine, it’s easy to see why arguments over “what really happened” are exhausting dead ends. 

So how can couples escape this cycle and start communicating in ways that bring them closer instead of driving them apart?

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How Couples Therapy Los Angeles Helps Build More Relational Communication

The good news is that couples can learn to sidestep these perception problems. Working with a marriage therapist near you can help you and your partner better understand each other’s unique perspectives and begin communicating in ways that strengthen rather than strain your connection.

Accepting that two subjective realities can coexist allows couples to shift focus from defending their version of events to much more productive tasks, like brainstorming solutions that honor both partners’ needs.

“In intimate relationships, it's never a matter of two people landing on the one true reality, but rather of negotiating differing subjective realities.” (Real 2022, p.44)

Importantly, accepting this truth doesn’t mean giving up. On the contrary, it means opening your mind to a more effective, relational way of engaging with your partner—one that turns conflict into connection instead of destruction.

Here are three practical ways to combat this common communication pitfall:

Validate Your Partner’s Perspective

Simply acknowledging that your partner’s reaction can make sense in light of their subjective experience can go a long way toward resolving conflict.

Try saying:

“I can now see how that made sense to you at the time.”

“Given what you were thinking, I now understand why you felt that way.”

Validating your partner’s emotional logic can reduce their defensiveness and increase willingness to listen to what you have to say. You don’t have to agree with their interpretation; you simply need to recognize that it fits the situation as they perceived it.

Moreover, understanding that your partner is, in good faith, expressing what feels real to them can soften your own stance, which makes you more flexible and open to compromise. Even behavior that once seemed irrational starts to make emotional sense in context, inviting empathy, curiosity, and genuine problem-solving (Suppes 2022).

Shift from Confrontation to Collaboration

Instead of replaying the past to prove who’s right, work together to uncover what the particular disagreement reveals about each partner’s deeper needs, values, or fears.

Remember why you chose this relationship in the first place. Give the person you love the benefit of the doubt and start viewing them as a teammate, not an adversary.

Once couples stop fighting about what happened, they can begin exploring why it happened and how it led to a rupture in the relationship. Shifting from an adversarial pursuit of factual accuracy to a collaborative effort to build mutual understanding transforms conflict from an exhausting power struggle into an opportunity for deeper connection and growth.

Progress also depends on recognizing the limits of what you can control. You can change how you interpret and respond to situations—and you can choose new behaviors, thought patterns, and emotional responses for yourself.

What you can’t control is how your partner perceives your words or actions. At best, you can influence your partner’s reactions or beliefs in ways that strengthen the relationship rather than serve your own self-interest (Suppes 2022).

These mindset shifts steer couples toward teamwork and compromise—and away from confrontation and blame.

Accept Differences When Shared Understanding Isn’t Possible

When two people each see the world through uniquely different, personal filters, their stories will inevitably differ. The strength of a relationship isn’t determined by how often those stories match, but by how partners navigate their differences.

Sometimes, both perspectives align enough to create shared understanding—a consensual reality. When that happens, it builds trust, teamwork, and a sense that you’re on the same side when tackling important issues (Suppes 2022).

But you don’t have to agree on everything to find mutually acceptable solutions. Sometimes, allowing yourself to be “wrong” (even when you don’t feel that way) can help both of you move forward faster.

Here are some helpful guidelines:

Minor differences: Let them go. Focus on what you share—like the fact that you both enjoyed the vacation, even if you remember the weather differently. Terry Real calls this the 70/30 rule: if you agree on 70 percent of the facts, that’s good enough.

Major differences: Work together to find solutions that meet both partners’ needs without requiring one person to be declared “right” (Real 2022, Suppes 2022, Fisher, Ury, & Patton 2011).

At the end of the day, most couples don’t really care about achieving 100% factual accuracy. Trying to prove who’s right, at best, may offer a momentary sense of victory, but in the long run doesn’t build lasting connection.

What best restores closeness is engaging with your partner in curious collaboration—being willing to explore, understand, and validate each other’s realities, especially when they differ (Suppes 2022).

Most couples simply want to feel seen, heard, and genuinely understood.

As a couple’s therapist in Los Angeles, I’ve witnessed partners thrive as they make the powerful shift that transforms conflict from something destructive into something deeply connecting. Disagreements lose their sting and become a bridge to conflict resolution, not a barrier.

If you and your partner feel stuck in the same exhausting fights, you don’t have to stay there. I provide couples therapy in Beverly Hills that can help you find your way out.

👉 Schedule your free consultation today and learn how couples therapy or marriage counseling near you can turn conflict into collaboration that builds lasting connection.

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References

Fisher, R., Ury, W. L., & Patton, B. (2011). Getting to yes: Negotiating agreement without giving in. Penguin.

Greene, C., & Murphy, G. (2025). Memory lane: The perfectly imperfect ways we remember. Princeton University Press.

Real, T. (2022). Us: Getting past you & me to build a more loving relationship. Rodale.

Suppes, B. C. (2022). Family systems theory simplified: Applying and understanding systemic therapy models. Routledge.

Wallin, D.J. (2007). Attachment in psychotherapy. Guilford.

© Philip Douglas Lewis, LMFT # 150760