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Do You Feel Something's Wrong With Your
Relationship But Can't Figure Out What It Could Be?
Perhaps you're emotionally drained and feel overlooked by day’s end, even though your partner seems thoughtful and generous most of the time. You might wonder: Are they truly caring, or are their thoughtful gestures a sign of something more sinister? or Is something just wrong with me?
You’re not alone!
Many people struggle with questions about whether their partner’s actions come from a place of love or reflect more self-serving motives.
Such nagging uncertainty can strain any relationship, especially during the holiday season. In fact, December 11th was unofficially dubbed “Breakup Day” in 2008 based on anecdotal evidence that relationship breakups surge in early December.[1]
You may want consider postponing any breakup decision, however, until after the holidays (unless the relationship is abusive). The holidays alone can be incredibly stressful. Deciding whether to end a relationship at the same time could prove emotionally overwhelming.
You could still use the holiday season for healthy detective work, such as gathering additional intel that could help clarify the strength of your relationship. For instance, mindful observation of how your mate approaches gift-giving can provide valuable insights into how they view the world—and how they view you.
If you’ve ever felt uneasy or disappointed by your partner’s gifts, it may be worth reflecting on what those practices reveal about your partner’s character—and the strength or weakness of your relationship generally.
By January, you may feel less stressed and be better able to determine whether or not the relationship is worth salvaging.
The Purpose of Gift-Giving
Building Connection
At its best, the purpose of gift-giving is simple: to express care, thoughtfulness, and love while strengthening the bond between two people. Ideally, a well-chosen gift shows that the giver truly understands the recipient’s needs, desires, and personality. It can be a tangible display of emotional intimacy.
For example, when someone gives a partner something that aligns perfectly with their interests or needs—perhaps a book by a favorite author, tickets to an event they’ve long wanted to attend, or even a sentimental item that reflects shared memories—it shows attentiveness and emotional connection.[2]
When Normal Gift-Giving Goes Awry
Unfortunately, instinctive human fallibilities can transform even the sincerest gift into an unintended source of interpersonal disconnection.
One of the most common obstacles to effective gift-giving is the fundamental difference in priorities between gift-givers and recipients, notes Dr. Jeff Galak, a professor of Marketing at Carnegie Mellon University who studies the psychology of gift-giving.
“Gift-givers overwhelmingly are focused on that moment of exchange,” Dr. Galak said on a recent episode of the Hidden Brain podcast. “They're trying to say, how can I put the biggest smile on someone's face the moment that they open the gift and realize what it is that they have?”[3]
Recipients, on the other hand, are mostly interested in how the gift will make them feel in the future over time, says Dr. Galak noting, “sometimes the things that bring you happiness in the moment are not the things that bring you happiness in the long term.”[4]
When Your Partner’s Gifting Habits Reflect Possible Toxic Behavior
Close observation of your mate’s gifts can sometimes reveal important clues about the strength or weakness of your romantic connection. Of course, there’s no surefire method for how to tell if someone is lying. Indeed, the human brain is notoriously bad at determining what others think.[5]
Nonetheless, you can still seek out recurring patterns of selfishness, manipulation, or control in your partner’s gift-giving that reflect a problematic dynamic warranting deeper introspection, and possibly contemplation of a potential breakup.
Below, we’ll explore common signs that your partner’s gift-giving practices might reflect narcissistic tendencies—and what these behaviors reveal about your relationship.
Detecting The Narcissist’s Hidden Agenda in Their Gift-Giving
Giving gifts is commonly seen as an act of love, generosity, and thoughtfulness. However, in relationships with a narcissist, gifting can take on a very different meaning.
Narcissistic individuals notoriously use gift-giving as a tool for control, manipulation, and ego-inflation, rather than a way to build connection in their relationships.[6] Here are some common ways narcissists misuse the power of gifts:
Gifts as Power Play
“Obligations are probably the single biggest reason that gifts are given in the first place,” says Dr. Galak. In general, when anyone receives a gift it inherently makes them feel obligated to respond in kind.[7]
Unsurprisingly, narcissists will use gifts as a way to gain the upper-hand in relationships. Narcissist Red flags to look for include gifting that reflects a transactional mindset, makes love seem conditional and performative, or makes your partner look good at your expense. They might gift items you don’t want or need just so they can hold it over your head later, constantly reminding you of their purported “generosity”. They may also use gifts as a tool for undermining you in the relationship, and in turn lifting themselves up. For instance, a “gift” might act as a veiled insult (e.g., self-help books you didn’t ask for, on a sensitive personal topic). They may also choose a gift for you that costs far more than you can afford, making it all but impossible for you to adequately reciprocate.[8]
In an article by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Healing from Toxic Relationships: 10 Essential Steps to Recover from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse, Dr. Sarkis describes a sinister twist on this toxic tool. Specifically, your partner buys you a cheap gift, while flaunting an expensive toy or bauble they bought for themselves at the same time. The narcissist’s intended message, according to Dr. Sarkis, is “You do not have the same worth as me.”[9]
Gift Gaslighting
Narcissistic partners sometimes bestow extravagant gifts on others, including friends and even your own family members, while failing to give a gift or otherwise acknowledge milestones that are important to you or the couple (e.g., wedding anniversary, your birthday). Some gifts might be overly selfish, such as items that clearly interest only the giver, or that they end up using the most. This reflects a lack of emotional intimacy and failure to engage with your needs or desires. Observe whether gifts repeatedly serve solely your partner’s own interests or otherwise lack genuine personalization.
“Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.”- The Wizard of Oz (1939)[10]
Gift-Giving to Avoid Responsibility
Narcissists will shower you with gifts after an argument to distract from their bad behavior or otherwise avoid accountability. Attempts to hold them responsible are met with anger and insensitive statements like, “I already said I’m sorry, what more do you want?” Of course, gifts are a socially acceptable part of repairing a relationship rupture. A good test is whether your partner is expressing sincere regret for acknowledged transgressions, or simply seeking a quick reset button following a fight.
Using Gifts to Show Off
Narcissists will use extravagant or flashy gifts simply to impress others. Such gifts necessarily feel impersonal, since the giver’s primary concern is how others perceive their gift rather than how it makes you feel. As Dr. Galak notes, this can be especially true when the gift is given in a setting where there is an audience (e.g., a baby shower, wedding). When other people are present, a gift – especially an extravagant one – could be a ploy to improve social status rather than to delight the actual recipient.[11] Assess for yourself over time whether gifts ultimately are designed to highlight the giver’s own superiority, as opposed to showing care or thoughtfulness.
Gifts With Strings Attached
Sometimes narcissists give gifts just to generate excessive gratitude, praise, or recognition for themselves. When that’s so, if your response doesn’t match their expectations they usually react with anger, disappointment, or sulking, revealing their true motivation: feeding their ego. In addition, later they may use their gifts as a way to guilt-trip you into doing something they want or as evidence supporting their demands for emotional repayment.[12]
Protecting Yourself from Toxic Relationships: The Gift of Self Care
Gift-giving is meant to bring people closer, but when misused by a narcissistic partner, it can become a tool for manipulation, control, and self-aggrandizement. By recognizing red flags in a relationship and determining how these patterns reflect deeper relational dynamics, you can protect yourself and make informed decisions about your relationship. Genuine love and care are reflected not just in grand gestures but in consistent, thoughtful actions that prioritize your well-being and happiness.
If you’re struggling in your relationship, get help! Reach out to a trusted friend, a close family member, or a mental health professional like a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
If you’re not sure where to turn, please contact me for a free consultation to see if relationship therapy, couples therapy in Los Angeles or Beverly Hills might help. I’m a relationship therapist near you who can help sort things out, or direct you to someone else who is best suited to your needs.
Click here to learn more about my psychotherapy practice.
Click here for a free copy of Frequently Asked Questions About Relationship Red Flags.
Footnotes
[1] Why Today Is The Single Worst Day For Relationships All Year, Anna Rahmanan, Huffpost website, Dec. 11, 2023, available at https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-today-is-the-single-worst-day-for-relationships-all-year_l_657758abe4b09724b4351f8e.
[2] “The Secret to Gift-Giving,” interview with J. Galak, Hidden Brain podcast, Dec. 9, 2024 available at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hidden-brain/id1028908750?i=1000679800593
[3] “The Secret to Gift-Giving,” interview with J. Galak, Hidden Brain podcast, Dec. 9, 2024 available at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hidden-brain/id1028908750?i=1000679800593
[4] 1“The Secret to Gift-Giving,” interview with J. Galak, Hidden Brain podcast, Dec. 9, 2024 available at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hidden-brain/id1028908750?i=1000679800593
[5] Mindwise: How We Understand What Others Think, Believe, Feel, and Want, by Dr. Nicholas Epley, available at https://a.co/d/ddmAXQQ.
[6] 12 Pitfalls of Gift-Giving with a Narcissist, Dr. Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, Ph.D. website, available at https://stephaniesarkis.com/blog/12-pitfalls-gift-giving-narcissist/
[7] “The Secret to Gift-Giving,” interview with J. Galak, Hidden Brain podcast, Dec. 9, 2024 available at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hidden-brain/id1028908750?i=1000679800593
[8] “The Secret to Gift-Giving,” interview with J. Galak, Hidden Brain podcast, Dec. 9, 2024 available at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hidden-brain/id1028908750?i=1000679800593; 12 Pitfalls of Gift-Giving with a Narcissist, Dr. Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, Ph.D. website, available at https://stephaniesarkis.com/blog/12-pitfalls-gift-giving-narcissist/
[9] 12 Pitfalls of Gift-Giving with a Narcissist, Dr. Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, Ph.D. website, available at https://stephaniesarkis.com/blog/12-pitfalls-gift-giving-narcissist/
[10] The Wizard of Oz’s failed attempt to gaslight Dorothy and her Yellow Brick Road companions when they finally discover the “Great and Powerful Oz” is just an ordinary man controlling flashy visual effects from behind a curtain.
[11] “The Secret to Gift-Giving,” interview with J. Galak, Hidden Brain podcast, Dec. 9, 2024 available at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hidden-brain/id1028908750?i=1000679800593
[12] 12 Pitfalls of Gift-Giving with a Narcissist, Dr. Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, Ph.D. website, available at https://stephaniesarkis.com/blog/12-pitfalls-gift-giving-narcissist/
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